(Un) Realistic Expectations: Expanding My Version of My Own World

Another day passed at work. It was a day full of action including parent outburst, dialogues and discussions amongst Team Potentials, some play and more play. While driving back I was thinking about a set of parents, who comes to us. It’s not just about this set of parents, but most of the parents with children with special needs, who struggle to strike a balance between ‘Who their child really is?’ And ‘What they want their child to be?’ Let’s understand this through a child’s life who comes to us for therapy.

Prateek (name changed) is a 4 year old boy, with a diagnosis of Autism. He started coming for therapy 1 and a half months back. The child is yet to open up for us to know the real Prateek. To support the child to be more of him, we need to know the real child.

The first goal sheet[1] I have prepared for him are generic goals that are targeted with almost every kid. While noting down observations about him, I struggled to zero down on even one favourite toy of his. Things specific to the nature of his disorder are yet to come out. Prateek's parents are very anxious about his current state. They opened up while talking to us at Potentials that they are depressed and sad about his diagnosis. They are giving their best to cope up with the situation and do their best for Prateek's growth.

Being weighed down by the tag attached to Prateek now (of being diagnosed with Autism), the mother is typically unable to sense Prateek’s own potential, giving up on any real possibility of transforming their current situation and instead passively accommodating themselves to others and their immediate surroundings or to the larger trends in society. Mother's thought process about diagnosis, therapy and the social stigma attached to it, the social trend of making him join school like any other child his age has made her way of life dependent. She wants the situation to turn around completely 180 degrees, and at the same time she is losing belief in the unbound possibility of life which is only giving rise to anxiety in her own life.

In her own way, mother is giving her best for her child. She is trying to protect her child from any real exposure that might hurt him in the environment around him. My team together could join the dots to see many such instances of how the mother is trying her best, but her restricted and protective vision for her child, is not letting them break the barriers and remove road blocks for Prateek. This is making it difficult for her to develop her trust in people around. She is becoming over powered by the negatives of the situation feeling she has been put into the situation to suffer, with the thought of ‘WHY ME’.

The pressure of time running out at a fast pace, and expectation, that Prateek must go to a regular school is stopping the mother to see the real potential of her own child. Grasping the true nature of our child, weighing his relative strengths and weaknesses will only help us be more realistic about the expectations we can have from him. She deals with Prateek as his mother, where as I play the role of a therapist. We both are equally sensitive towards the child, with a minor difference. The mother and the therapist would want best for the child but from different perspectives. I see the child keeping my emotions on one side and bringing every rationalisation in, which keeps me aware of child's strengths and weaknesses.

Being empathetic towards the child, and getting emotional about his condition are two very different things. Being emotional towards his lack of skills will only create a road block for mother and child to move ahead. That's the role a therapist plays. Rather than seeing the child in comparison to others his age, we would be realistic and view him and the nature of his disorder to remove the barriers that are stopping him to bring out his own potential, in his own unique way. Dr Daisaku Ikeda says, “Each of us is different, but we are all alike in that we possess tremendous potential. The truth is, you can do almost anything if you set your mind to it. The worst thing is to lose confidence in yourself and limit your own potential.” Each of us are born different. Understanding ones potential needs a realistic picture of who am I? To see the real picture, one needs wisdom.

The perception that I make of the child, should not be focussed on short term goals (Unrealistic expectations), for e.g. he/she must start going to school by age of 4, s/he should start talking like others, s/he should behave nicely when we go to a relatives place, s/he should start playing with toys quickly. This is liking posing your expectations of who the child should become without an eye on the long term goals that will lead to holistic growth of the child. The parents transfer their anxiety into the child, which hampers his/ her growth. Rather, one must focus on life skills that helps the child express him/ herself better, be comfortable in his/her own being rather than running in a rat race of being like other children his/her age.

This whole dilemma of where I am? And where I am heading to? Can only be sorted with a Dialogue. The parents who feel stuck in this space must continue to talk to other parents at the therapy centres they visit, and the therapists they are trusting their child with. Society as a whole has seen a lessening of our capacity to appreciate others- as they are and who they are. I believe that the surest way to change this is by carefully attending to the stories of each other’s lives through one on one dialogue. Forming my point of views in isolation can be very scary. Then I view the situation from a subjective point of view. In order to construct societies that are resistant to judgement and embrace people as they are, people need to be exposed to and reminded of different perspectives. Face to face dialogue can play a crucial role in this.  In order to break through our self-imposed limitations, one needs to break through every obstacle and every intrigue that seeks to block our advance and boldly and courageously win. Talking to more and more people, making friends and sharing my heart out will only help me expand my version of my own world.

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[1] Goal sheet: from the point of view of therapy, a goal sheet includes childs present behavior, a goal based on that and the strategies therapists will use to target the goal. This gives a clear picture to the parent of the current state of their child, and where are we approaching.

Who am I? A Surprise Package

Some of us are born with a difference. Our mirror is tarnished and it needs to be polished. This polishing of the mirror brings out our true nature. 

With small steps that a child takes each day through parent’s support and various therapies he is accessing- a new, dynamic, and a happy child is born. It is amazing to see the true nature of the child. This transformation in the child is a relief for the parents, the therapists and loved ones. The child struggles to adjust in his new identity. It is like exiting a comfort zone, because of the time he has spent there and learned ways to cope up with difficult situations in that. Exiting this not so easy comfort zone to enter his real zone is a challenge.

The new zone is the new way of life the child learns. Entering that, breaking the barriers of the old him, where he has been for the longest time, is not easy. But with correct direction, and facilitation, he enters. That’s how a child might feel: “Wow!! That’s a new me. I am still learning to be the new me. It is sometimes frustrating since I am not able to gather the courage to exercise the newly learned skills with complete confidence. But at times, my parents and teachers around me hold my hand through the path, and once I exercise the skill, that’s the moment of extreme joy and elation. I just love it.”

The play way method of ‘Eye to I’ helps the child come across the real him. By co- creating joy while playing, the child explores new things, exercises his own ways of doing things, breaks the monotony, makes mistakes and in that learns new stuff, makes his favourites, likes and dislikes and enjoys the good things, pushes away the not so good ones. He shares how he feels in his own unique ways. That’s what makes him more human. When the children come alive, the one who is relieved the most is the parents.

I have a child coming in for therapy since last 5 months. Parents were so stiff in their body language and expression of thought, that it made me worry. But feeling bad for them was not the solution. All teachers taking the child were observing the discomfort of the parents. We gave our all, brain stormed and came up with best ways to support the child. Once we could understand the Autism specific to the child it was easier to take action. We found reasons behind the behaviour he exhibited. It goes like: When the Why is clear, the How will follow. The child became easier to understand, and our ways and strategies for therapy were altered at all levels. This integration of therapy, helped us see beautiful holistic development for the child. The causes we made to help the child be more comfortable in his own self, had clear effects not only on him but on his parents too.

The child has become more assertive. He laughs more, and expresses anger. He shares things he knows and enjoys every moment of it. Seeing him is a treat. He is getting to know his true potential which he is exercising. Actually he is exploiting his new found talent where ever he can. Laughs!! I am loving it as his play and communication therapist. It’s an important milestone we have achieved together.

The parents came in for a meeting, where in they wanted to share how is the child doing at home, and wanted to ask about his progress at Potentials. We were all amazed to see how comfortable the parents have become in last 5 months. Their body language was relaxed, they made eye contact and smiled and laughed. They had their questions and doubts. They could also see, that they discovering a new, more vibrant, happy child in their boy. They laughed sharing their experiences with him at home, and we cherished listening to them.

My goodness!! He is a surprise package!! Keep watching, there is more to come.

Wonders of Play

Wonders of play amaze me all the time. Little Kian (name changed) came in as a passive kid with his head hung low most of the times. He would submissively engage in activities, start and finish them following the therapist.

His obedience at times made me feel frustrated. My goal sheet was getting achieved (he was learning to make two word templates, his sustenance was increasing, and he was also becoming more aware of his surroundings) but my anxiety was increasing at the same time. His passive approach was dull. This is not how one can be. He is born to smile and enjoy. He must explore new things and find his likes and dislikes, passion and struggles. As I sat to make the next set of goals for him, I brainstormed with my boss, as to what next. There was something amiss.

Kian is moving towards becoming active and aware of his surroundings. He is more aware about the people surrounding him, noticing movement, people coming in, or leaving the room while he is playing in the session. But he would not look and had no idea that he can make a choice and express his opinion.

The next goal I wrote was- Kian will be more aware of people around him (his therapists) and he will also be mindful of activities he is engaged in. He will be an ACTIVE PARTICIPANT in connect to his environment, and people around. It is usual that we use the strategy of choice making for a passive kid.

As I went on to understand the Autism specific to Kian, after repeated discussions and joining dots of how the session flows my boss said, “Kian needs to know that he can have an opinion.” This touched my heart, and now I exactly knew how to approach him, and even guide other therapists across sessions for integration, as it would lead to holistic growth for the child. We started giving him opportunities to make a choice out of few games and toys. We give him clear narrations to know that he can ask, and make a choice.  His facial expressions started becoming freer and less restricted. He smiles often to the therapist now. With increasing opportunities, he has now started to initiate a game and therapist joins in and builds up interactivity. This also helps Kian sustain on an activity that he has chosen. Intensive therapy in the month of June worked wonders. He has started expressing his choices across a range of material. His father shared that earlier he would eat whatever we gave him. But now, he spits the food out, if he doesn’t like it. I loved the smile on his dad’s face. Kian is finally opening up to become aware how who Kian is, what he likes and what he doesn’t like.

I love it, now when he is happy choosing and playing what he wants to play. He laughs out loud. I also love it when he gets angry on something, pushes things away or tells me in his own unique way, I don’t like this. Yeyeye!!!

Yes, we will now be working on refining his communication skills and integrating his existing skills with the new found Kian.

I am so happy. I just love the wonders of “Eye to I”.

Work and Play

I am a Child Psychologist, working with children with special needs for last few years now.

After completing my post-graduation, I have been working with a private organisation engaging in therapy with children with ASD, Down's Syndrome, Learning disorders, ADHD, Cerebral Palsy, social anxiety etc. I have had a major experience in working with children with ASD, from ages 1.5 years showing red flags, early intervention with children for ages 3-5 years, for diagnosis to 16 years of age.

My work profile involves taking one on one sessions with children working on their intention to communicate, purposes of communication like asking, sharing of emotions, sharing information, leisure time interaction etc. pre-speech skills- , babbles, jargon, sounds etc, language (words, phrases and sentences); communication with others (verbal and non-verbal); expressions and sharing of emotions, emotional regulation, executive functions, and group therapy with 3-8 children.

I am skilled in working with toddlers since I enjoy working with them the most. We use play as a medium of work with children. The philosophy is all about playing with the kid with ASD to connect to the play partner, and then coming closer to knowing one’s own self.

Play is the most exciting part of my work. I have seen play working wonderfully with children with ASD. In the last two years, play has enhanced my personality for good. I have become more confident of myself, now am more comfortable while using my body space etc. Play excites me, as I enjoy everything about it. It compels me to think out of the box to create play of the smallest of and not so obvious things, for example, thermocol balls, sand, water; boxes etc. Through play I have been able to break my inhibitions and enjoy myself in the last two years. It gave me the joy of being me.

I am excited to research the powerful positive impact of play with different populations.

Eager to explore, study and learn more and more