(Un) Realistic Expectations: Expanding My Version of My Own World

Another day passed at work. It was a day full of action including parent outburst, dialogues and discussions amongst Team Potentials, some play and more play. While driving back I was thinking about a set of parents, who comes to us. It’s not just about this set of parents, but most of the parents with children with special needs, who struggle to strike a balance between ‘Who their child really is?’ And ‘What they want their child to be?’ Let’s understand this through a child’s life who comes to us for therapy.

Prateek (name changed) is a 4 year old boy, with a diagnosis of Autism. He started coming for therapy 1 and a half months back. The child is yet to open up for us to know the real Prateek. To support the child to be more of him, we need to know the real child.

The first goal sheet[1] I have prepared for him are generic goals that are targeted with almost every kid. While noting down observations about him, I struggled to zero down on even one favourite toy of his. Things specific to the nature of his disorder are yet to come out. Prateek's parents are very anxious about his current state. They opened up while talking to us at Potentials that they are depressed and sad about his diagnosis. They are giving their best to cope up with the situation and do their best for Prateek's growth.

Being weighed down by the tag attached to Prateek now (of being diagnosed with Autism), the mother is typically unable to sense Prateek’s own potential, giving up on any real possibility of transforming their current situation and instead passively accommodating themselves to others and their immediate surroundings or to the larger trends in society. Mother's thought process about diagnosis, therapy and the social stigma attached to it, the social trend of making him join school like any other child his age has made her way of life dependent. She wants the situation to turn around completely 180 degrees, and at the same time she is losing belief in the unbound possibility of life which is only giving rise to anxiety in her own life.

In her own way, mother is giving her best for her child. She is trying to protect her child from any real exposure that might hurt him in the environment around him. My team together could join the dots to see many such instances of how the mother is trying her best, but her restricted and protective vision for her child, is not letting them break the barriers and remove road blocks for Prateek. This is making it difficult for her to develop her trust in people around. She is becoming over powered by the negatives of the situation feeling she has been put into the situation to suffer, with the thought of ‘WHY ME’.

The pressure of time running out at a fast pace, and expectation, that Prateek must go to a regular school is stopping the mother to see the real potential of her own child. Grasping the true nature of our child, weighing his relative strengths and weaknesses will only help us be more realistic about the expectations we can have from him. She deals with Prateek as his mother, where as I play the role of a therapist. We both are equally sensitive towards the child, with a minor difference. The mother and the therapist would want best for the child but from different perspectives. I see the child keeping my emotions on one side and bringing every rationalisation in, which keeps me aware of child's strengths and weaknesses.

Being empathetic towards the child, and getting emotional about his condition are two very different things. Being emotional towards his lack of skills will only create a road block for mother and child to move ahead. That's the role a therapist plays. Rather than seeing the child in comparison to others his age, we would be realistic and view him and the nature of his disorder to remove the barriers that are stopping him to bring out his own potential, in his own unique way. Dr Daisaku Ikeda says, “Each of us is different, but we are all alike in that we possess tremendous potential. The truth is, you can do almost anything if you set your mind to it. The worst thing is to lose confidence in yourself and limit your own potential.” Each of us are born different. Understanding ones potential needs a realistic picture of who am I? To see the real picture, one needs wisdom.

The perception that I make of the child, should not be focussed on short term goals (Unrealistic expectations), for e.g. he/she must start going to school by age of 4, s/he should start talking like others, s/he should behave nicely when we go to a relatives place, s/he should start playing with toys quickly. This is liking posing your expectations of who the child should become without an eye on the long term goals that will lead to holistic growth of the child. The parents transfer their anxiety into the child, which hampers his/ her growth. Rather, one must focus on life skills that helps the child express him/ herself better, be comfortable in his/her own being rather than running in a rat race of being like other children his/her age.

This whole dilemma of where I am? And where I am heading to? Can only be sorted with a Dialogue. The parents who feel stuck in this space must continue to talk to other parents at the therapy centres they visit, and the therapists they are trusting their child with. Society as a whole has seen a lessening of our capacity to appreciate others- as they are and who they are. I believe that the surest way to change this is by carefully attending to the stories of each other’s lives through one on one dialogue. Forming my point of views in isolation can be very scary. Then I view the situation from a subjective point of view. In order to construct societies that are resistant to judgement and embrace people as they are, people need to be exposed to and reminded of different perspectives. Face to face dialogue can play a crucial role in this.  In order to break through our self-imposed limitations, one needs to break through every obstacle and every intrigue that seeks to block our advance and boldly and courageously win. Talking to more and more people, making friends and sharing my heart out will only help me expand my version of my own world.

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[1] Goal sheet: from the point of view of therapy, a goal sheet includes childs present behavior, a goal based on that and the strategies therapists will use to target the goal. This gives a clear picture to the parent of the current state of their child, and where are we approaching.